A Work In Progress

Dementia Grandmom is in the other room trying to figure out how to work the television. All I can hear is that noise of the TV being on, but not the cable box… it’s like that constant ringing sound that apparently only younger people can hear, that fades as you age.

Anyway, I hear the TV turning on and off because she has yet to master the remote control. The concepts of “Cable,” “TV” “Power” and “All On” buttons are beyond her. My parents just figured it out after years, imagine how far beyond your understanding this 56 buttoned controlled must be when growing up, your idea of entertainment was sitting on the porch listening to a phonograph.

So I go out into the living room, take the remote from her and ask, “What do you want to watch.”

She responds, “You can watch what you want, I’m not watching anything.”

I remind her she was just attempting to put on the TV as I put on ABC, the channel we typically leave her in front of during the day.

I go back into my room for about a minute before the whole TV turning on and off process begins again.

A few minutes later she is watching, Yo Gabba Gabba and I decide I will just leave her to it.

I tried.

This is a sincere segue that someone used in an actual conversation I had.

“Speaking of hilarious… Jeff Dunham has a new special coming up soon.”

I have never been so let down by an individual in my life.

After I groaned and expressed I couldn’t be less impressed by Jeff Dunham, he follows it up with.

“Can you at least acknowledge that he’s the funniest ventriloquist on the scene?”

No.

My mom tends to pee with the door open.

My bedroom happens to be across from the bathroom.

If I’m sitting on my bed it’s a straight shot.

I witness my mom pee more often than any mostly grown man should…

Mike Birbiglia, stated this great quote in regards to his indie flick, Sleepwalk with Me.

He said that it is about;

“the concept [that] you can talk about these things you’re ashamed of, and more often than not, you find a deeper connection with people. The one thing you’re most reluctant to tell, that’s where the comedy is.”

I can’t help but feel that this will be a good policy for this blog.

So also in regards to Birbigs. Keep in mind whenever you read my blog that, you’re on my side.

When I went camping… I woke up in the middle of the night and really had to pee… but it was raining, and generally dark and scary so I opted to wait until morning. At some point in the night I pissed myself in my sleep and in the morning promptly blamed the guy I shared the tent with for the wetness that encompassed the middle of our air mattress. He admitted, “Yeah… I could have done it.”

But it was me.

My Mom: Next time you shave your head in the bathroom, do a better job cleaning up.

Me: …..

Mom: Your head isn’t shaved.

Me: ….

Mom: What did you shave?

Me: …

Mom: You’re a scumbag.

If you didn’t read the 1st part, your loss.

If you prefer be to be at a loss, then in summary: Girl from a dating website wants to hang out and wants to surprise me with our plans. We’re going to Wildwood. I’m not thrilled about it.

Now, I see her intentions in this surprise trip. We’re combining our shared interest in spontaneity and sense of adventure into one splendid evening. Unfortunately what she didn’t count on was my social awkwardness, and her awful friends making for a bad time. Oh also, taking me on an inescapable date, that’s a fucking terrible idea.

I climb into her back seat (2 door car) because her friend is coming along too. We start our adventure and her friend occupies all conversation with her, focusing primarily on their group of friends, completely alienating me from conversation at the get-go.

Wildwood girl, occasionally tries working me into conversation to no avail. Probably because most of her attempts  involve the phrase “Hates the surprise,” or “isn’t having fun,” so she’s not really giving me too much to work with. In return, I’m not giving much back, usually a very well veiled, “Suuuuurrrre I am.”

Driving along the two girls discuss who else to invite. They’re texting random friends who are apparently also cramming into the car with us. They find a couple to tag along, then we drive a good twenty minutes out of our way to grab them. On the way they discuss how this girl has a tendency to pick fights with her boyfriend, so should be a fantastic addition.

We pick up the couple, wedge them in the back seat… I’m knee to knee with a stranger, still got a bit of a ride ahead of us. We have to make a pit stop at a restaurant because the guy of the couple left his phone there earlier. While he is in the restaurant, Wildwood girl says to her friend, “So are you guys going to fight all night or what?” The couple hasn’t shown any signs of bickering or fighting thus far. Essentially, she’s antagonizing her friend, and generally making things even more awkward. Awesome.

By the way, that couple never fights. And the guy was the nicest member of the trip, as he was probably in a similar boat and empathized with me (Dragged along by a girl, forced to hang out with unwelcoming strangers).

Now we have three girls in the car, and two awkwardly silent, out of place guys. The girls discuss everything I’ve been itching to hear about; “Who is fucking who,” “Who has done what drugs,” so on… all quality stuff, which I unfortunately never get a foothold in.

I sit quietly - ponder this blog post. Text my friends rude commentary about how bad a time I’m having. I wish I’d have saved all of those texts because they’d be a significantly more entertaining/brief/blunt entry than this shit. Also, they were written on the scene… so it’s so much more real.

We get to Wildwood and spend all of 45 minutes there.

Everyone gets their orange juice/liquor drinks organized because apparently we’re all 16. I don’t bother, I’m not going to be able to drink enough to make this a good time.

We walk to the boardwalk and everything is closing because it’s 11pm on a weeknight. Everyone tries to game-plan and the couple decide they want to go on a roller coaster. I’ve no intention of riding the coaster (It’s 8 bucks for 30 seconds) so I opt out, as does Wildwood girl, one of her better decisions for the night.

However! Her friend insists, “But those two are going to sit together and I’ll be sitting by myself!” So her friend coerces her into riding the coaster because it’s much better that I sit by myself. I sit on a bench under the coaster and begrudgingly text my friends whilst guarding purses and jackets.

At this point I contemplated taking a bus home. Just to pull that much of a dick move… disappear while they’re on the coaster, get home eventually. My major deterrent was that I didn’t have anything to read while waiting for/riding the bus.

After the coaster, we wander for a couple minutes trying to decide where to go next. We discuss walking the beach but decide against it due to; it being chilly, it being pretty windy, and it being against the rules.I suggest a bar and as it turns out all the girls are 20. What a bad time. So that’s all we did in Wildwood for that adventure! On the way back to the car I fucking found 20 dollars on the ground and it still did not validate that night in any way (And anyone who knows how incredibly frugal I am understands how bold of a statement this is)

Crammed back into the car. Took a near two hour trip home, didn’t have any better of a time. I got worked into conversations when the couple got out of the car and it was just Wildwood and her one friend again.

These two conversations were.

1.) My coming to the rescue of the dude that hung out with us. They said he seemed pretty lame and I defended him. They didn’t even give him a chance! Hopefully one day he’ll do the same for me.

2.) Her friend argued with me and told me I was wrong in a conversation where I expressed I enjoyed my Philosophy class more then Spanish. You know, because… subjectivity isn’t a thing.

And there were additional “John had a bad time,” “No, I didn’t,” conversations.

When we got back to her place, I awkwardly said goodbye, had to give a hug  and got into my car and booked.

She lived in Jersey and the fucking bridge I took over was closed, I was a incredibly frustrated. I called her and asked for directions to the next bridge, she asked me to come back to her place… she’d help me out. I said, “You know what, I’ll figure it out.”

So for a few days after that… my texts with her were brief until the point we just ceased talking. I felt like kind of a prick so I sent her a message along these lines, “Sorry for blowing you off, I’ve kind of got social anxiety and going to Wildwood, crammed into a car with strangers wasn’t really a great time for me. I’m sorry I wasn’t much fun, I just wanted to apologize for how I am.”

Her response to that was, “Sorry for turning out to be your worst nightmare.”

And I was content in leaving the conversation at that.

Dementia Grandma is going on vacation this week.

Actually, no. My mom and step-dad are, and Dementia Grandma is going elsewhere.

Today one of her sons came over to retrieve her.

She was caught off guard because this was, “News to her.” In actuality we’ve told her this 4-5 times a day throughout the week. She’s so forgetful!

Also I love that she always treats us like we’re rudely fucking with her. As if we’re lying to her and all in on the joke!

The story here is that her son told her to grab her toothbrush, she goes into the bathroom and stands there two minutes before admitting, “I don’t know which is mine.”

And the end of the story is: I need a new toothbrush.

As much as I complain about the dating world, I’ve never actually been on a  bad date. Even with girls I didn’t click with, I managed to get along comfortably. So maybe I shouldn’t complain.

Then this broad goes and spikes that track record into the ground. Now I can.

Perhaps “bad date” isn’t fair terminology.

She initially suggested we go on a double date since her friend was… desperate apparently. But I shot down the idea. This is a dating website meet up, I haven’t even met this girl yet so I’d hate to risk setting my friend up with a better looking girl than I’m getting.

Anyway… we didn’t technically go on a date. We ‘hung out’ and this hang out included her friends and wasn’t very personal.

So, day before we hang out she asks what I want to do, and I have no clue, I say “we’ll see, let me think.” And that was a huge mistake. She texts me later, “I know what we’ll do, but it’s a surprise!”

At the time, I thought nothing of it… pure indifference.

In retrospect, I’ll never get suckered into that shit again.

Who the fuck did she think she was? She barely knew me… why would she think she’d know what I’d appreciate doing to surprise me? In all my life experiences, I can’t recall anyone accomplishing any successful surprises. Once with sex, which is the easiest way to give a guy a pleasant surprise, yet you girls never seem to think of it!

 How could this stranger think she knew how to entertain me! And in such a way that she thought it’d be a suspenseful surprise!

So I pull up to her house. She’s sitting in her car ready to get going.

She excitedly proclaims, “We’re going to Wildwood!”

And it’s really awkward because I have no response.

For starters… that’s at least an hour away.

My immediate concern was that I was now committed to spending a certain number of hours with this person, stuck in a car, can’t leave when I want and won’t be getting home until very late.

Here’s a very important dating, or first meeting tip. Keep it easy to escape from. You don’t know if the date will go awry. You might not connect with the person, you might not like where you’re going… in any case, you should be able to leave if you’re uncomfortable. So when you decide you’re taking the person you’re meeting a fucking hour (at least) away you’re REALLY taking away their right to escape from an awkward situation they don’t want to be in.

It’s not smart. It did not work in her favor.

Secondly, I don’t give a shit about Wildwood.

                                  To Be Continued…